The Art of Goodbye: How TCKs Navigate Friendship and Loss in an Ever-Changing World
By Corinne Kelley and Anthony Casey | This article presents the findings of research focused on the processes and emotions utilized to cope with goodbyes for Third Culture Kids. TCKs move an average of 4.3 times during their formative years. The article presents a brief overview of the research method, then outlines findings of how TCKs cope with leaving and loss. Finally, recommendations are given for mission agencies and families to better care for TCKs.
EMQ » Oct – Dec 2025 » Volume 61 Issue 4
Summary: This article presents the findings of research focused on the processes and emotions utilized to cope with goodbyes for Third Culture Kids. TCKs move an average of 4.3 times during their formative years. The article presents a brief overview of the research method, then outlines findings of how TCKs cope with leaving and loss. Finally, recommendations are given for mission agencies and families to better care for TCKs.
By Corinne Kelley and Anthony Casey
Saying goodbye is a natural part of life and yet, can be one of the most difficult experiences through which people go. Though everyone must say goodbye at some point to places, people, and experiences, there is a specific group that faces such trials at a greater frequency – Third Culture Kids (TCKs). “TCKs are defined as children who spend a significant part of their first eighteen years of life accompanying one’s parent(s) into a country that is different from at least one parent’s passport country due to a parent’s choice of work or advanced training.”[i]
This particular group of travelers is immersed in often a series of cultures around the world. TCKs move an average of 4.3 times by age 18, sometimes to very different cultural contexts.[ii] Due to the number of moves, it is common for TCKs to take on a kind of “chameleon identity” that is not always recognized or understood by others.[iii] Toole adds that “the chronic nature of transition in the lives of [TCKs] is an issue that needs to be addressed if their social and emotional needs are to be met.”[iv] Mission agencies are concerned with family health on the field, and the TCK experience is a crucial component of overall health and ministry effectiveness.
One common worry of TCKs is the continual loss of friends. TCKs connect with one another because of their blend of cultures and experiences, rather than in spite of them. Yet, among many TCK communities, goodbyes are almost as common as breathing; they are part of their daily lives. In an attempt to cope with an ever-changing environment, TCKs have developed different means of making departing meaningful, despite a whirling sea of emotions anyone must face when transitioning into the unknown.
This article presents the findings of a study focused specifically on the processes and emotions utilized to cope with goodbyes in TCK communities – The Art of Goodbye. The article begins with a brief overview of research methodology, then presents findings about how TCKs cope with leaving and recommendations for how mission agencies and families can better care for TCKs.
Research Methodology
The principal researcher, herself a TCK, conducted a survey receiving 64 responses from TCKs aged 11 years old through former TCKs now sending their own children away for school. Ninety-two percent cited being a missionary as their reason for going overseas. The majority of respondents (52) lived overseas for more than 7 years. Longer time spent on the field means respondents progress through multiple stages of emotional development, have likely been old enough to attend one or more schools, and statistically have moved at least once. Additionally, 11 respondents were born on the field and 39 others moved overseas at a young age. The majority of respondents (48) had lived in two or more countries not including their home country or the birthplace of their parents.
After gathering background information, the survey asked a series of questions where respondents were able to write in detail concerning how they felt about saying goodbye, their routine or what they do when they say goodbye, why they believe they react in that way, and whether they believe being a TCK has helped them say goodbye. The following section presents two major findings from the findings of the research: 1) goodbyes are inevitable and must be dealt with, and 2) common processes TCKs use for saying goodbye.
Findings
Goodbyes are Inevitable
The TCK life is one of movement. TCKs are constantly leaving or those around them are leaving. Many have come to grips with this reality as a normal part of life. One TCK reflected: “It’s always hard, but with time you accept, understand, and learn to be grateful for the people you left behind. Thanks to them you are what you are now. Life isn’t always fair and that’s just a fact.”[v]
In some cases, perpetual leaving seems to have caused a certain detachment from the actual process, perhaps to protect oneself from the pain of goodbye. “Because I’ve done it so much, I pretty much treat it like it’s nothing out of the ordinary. Of course I’m sad, but sometimes I feel like the more emotion I let flow the worse off I’ll be. Be thankful for what you had and realize when it’s time to let go and move on from a friendship.” The sense that one will be leaving or one’s friends will be leaving factors into even the beginning of friendships. A looming goodbye causes “a sense of loss in relation to knowing that you will in the end not have [relationally] what you could have had.”
For TCKs, inevitable goodbyes are normalized, with one TCK stating “I’ve lived most of my life in one place while everyone around me was coming and going constantly. When I left, I just saw it as my turn and not actually a big deal in the grand scheme of things.” Stedman notes the “TCK does not have that comfort or sense of permanence.”[vi] The fact that difficult goodbyes are a normal part of TCK life means they often become adept at preparing coping mechanisms for enduring the process. Much can be learned from these mechanisms to better understand how TCKs handle hardship.
The Process of Saying Goodbye
It is common for people to make certain promises when they say goodbye. One TCK wrote, “Usually I tell myself or the person I am leaving that we HAVE to keep in touch. In my mind I set up times of when I am going to call them even though this rarely every works out. I guess this makes the goodbye a little less painful because I’m making myself think that I’m not really leaving the person if I’m going to talk to them regularly.” Such promises are a way for people to cope with the difficulty of leaving. The respondent went on to say, this process “helped me through the years, even if it gives me a false sense of reality. It gives me hope of being with the person leaving even if there is none.”
Some may feel this kind of false hope is unhealthy. However, the promise of keeping in touch lessens the finality of saying goodbye, even if one or more sides knows there is little chance of a continued relationship. But not all TCKs share unbridled optimism. One TCK explains “I don’t usually plan on taking those people into the next stage of my life. It’s not because I don’t want to, but because I know most people aren’t capable of sustaining long-distance friendships. It feels better to know that when saying goodbye rather than hoping and being disappointed.”
Most TCKs note they have a variety of things they do when they know goodbyes are coming. They make special efforts to spend their remaining time with those they care about. Many offer different forms of affection like cards, hugs, prayers, pictures, and other physical and abstract signs of love. Most TCKs emphasized the importance of honoring the people around them and investing deeply before leaving. One notes, “Quality time with that person is what is most valuable to me, so trying to find a way to spend some good time with them before I leave is important.”
Creating a strongly seated memory before leaving is important. Many TCKs in the study wrote they try and create one final lasting memory that they can recall at a later date. For example, “When I have to say goodbye to a person/place/thing, I intentionally make one last memory. I make sure to take pictures and/or videos of the group so that I have the little details to hold on to, since I know that I will only remember the broader things that happened.”
Preparing for the goodbye is a coping mechanism held by many TCKs in the study. But others seem to avoid preparing ahead, possibly to lessen the time given to difficult emotions that are sure to come. One TCK wrote “I don’t fully process the depth of the emotional impact of goodbyes until I’ve had lots of time to myself. In the moment, when I’m still interacting with people, a lot of my more negative emotions get suspended.” Another shared, “saying goodbye has never been a difficulty in the moment; in fact, I will rarely shed a tear in the first few weeks. But eventually, that sadness will catch up. Maybe it’s just a natural inclination to stoicism. I can’t say why I’m like that. Maybe it is because I try to keep composure. But neglecting rarely works out.”
In short, goodbyes are inevitable for TCKs, described as “normal,” “expected,” or “a matter of time.” These experiences lead TCKs to create a process to deal with difficult moments of leaving. Many prepare in advance to create meaningful memories of the relationship. However, others make no plans, often to avoid the pain of another goodbye. Such an approach is likely not healthy but is the result of a life on the move. As Stedman found, “TCKs often have a pattern of unrepaired relational ruptures. Departure can become the remedy for difficulties. Sustaining healthy relationships may be difficult.”[vii] These realities present a unique opportunity for families and mission agencies to care for the unique nuances experienced by TCKs.
Recommendations for Leaving Well
As goodbyes are inevitable for TCKs, we provide recommendations for leaving well based on common responses from the survey respondents. There is no one size fits all and individual personalities certainly play a large role in response to transition. Yet, three themes stood out: (1) focus on family identity in Christ, (2) plan for meaningful goodbyes, and (3) trust God for new friends.
The struggle for identity is real in the midst of continual change and adaptation.[viii] The best place to begin is with family identity and stability, since the family is the one constant that carries from place to place. One respondent’s father, whose family has over 20 years of missionary experience, noted that a temptation with missionaries is to find their identity in their work, but this approach often leaves behind their children who may or may not be believers or involved in the work. A family identity centered on parents’ work alone can create a sense of isolation with TCKs. A better, and more biblical approach is to solidify family identity first, independent of work.
Families and believing TCKs must make a conscious effort to root and reinforce their identity as believers in Christ. They are followers of Jesus before they are missionaries. A strong identity in Christ can transcend hardships. Jesus was a man without a home for all of his public ministry, as also became the case for many of his followers. The Old and New Testaments carry a theme of sojourner for those in God’s family. A focused and prolonged centering on TCKs’ and their family’s identity in Christ provides a stable root with which to attach in the midst of transition.
Next, TCKs indicated it is helpful to plan events that make lasting memories prior to saying goodbye. Create physical evidence of those memories through videos, photos, and journals of the events. One TCK explained:
Planning for the future works for some because the process allows for some kind of continuity after the departure. One TCK reasoned, “I think the reason my reaction is more calm is because there has never been a finality to my goodbyes. Trips can be made, phone calls exist. And I’ve reconnected with friends who’ve been gone for a long time with little to no struggle. I think these good experiences have made goodbyes a little easier to me.”
Finally, it’s a good practice to pray together as a family before a move and ask God to provide for new friends in the new place. One TCK wrote, “God always provides people. They don’t replace those we say goodbye to, but He has a plan in each station of life.” Relationships are important to God, imaging the nature of the Trinity. He is pleased to provide for his children.
One respondent noted that TCKs tend to bring a certain intensity to new friendships, sometimes at a level that can intimidate non-TCKs. This tendency arises from the uncertainty of sustained relationships, compelling many TCKs not to wait to deeply invest in new friendships. Pursuing friendship is worth it, no matter the timeframe. The Apostle Paul was himself a missionary regularly on the move, yet he made a point to invest deeply into those around him in any given moment. His commitment to relationship, even for relatively short periods of time, is revealed in the emotion he expresses when writing to the Thessalonians: “Because we loved you so much, we delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our very lives as well” (1 Thess. 2:8). Find new friends and share life deeply, even though the pain of leaving is real.
Conclusion
Goodbyes are inevitable in missionary life. Despite the hardships described in this article, 87.5% of TCKs surveyed rated themselves well at saying goodbye. 73.5% agreed that being a TCK helped them learn how to say goodbye. One TCK summarized the experience that most go through: “I think I react to saying goodbye the way I do now because I was trained to lose things as a TCK. Life was always changing, and I had to adapt and change with it. In a way, there’s a beauty to it.”
“I was trained to lose things as a TCK” is an unusual statement for a child to make, yet is reminiscent of Jesus’s calling to all believers: “If you want to find your life, you must first lose it for my sake” (Matthew 16:25). Perhaps TCKs, better than most, understand the depth of Jesus’s statement.
This article provided insight into the hearts and minds of TCKs, revealing a mix of turbulent despair, graceful acceptance, and even peace-filled understanding of the process of saying goodbye. It showed the wide range of experiences that TCKs go, and grow, through as they move from childhood into adulthood. Of all people, Third Culture Kids have mastered the art of goodbye.
[i] David Pollock, Ruth Van Reken, and Michael Pollock, Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds, 3rd ed (Nicholas Brealey, 2017).
[ii] Helen Fail, “Whatever Becomes of International School Students?” International Schools Journal 15, no. 2 (1996), 31.
[iii] Raewyn Stedman, “Beanbags and Biryani: Digesting the Third Culture Kid Experience in a Gestalt Context,” Gestalt Journal of Australia and New Zealand 12, no. 1 (2015), 29.
[iv] Stephen Toole, “Third Culture Kids: What are Their Social Emotional Needs?,” Australian Journal of Middle Schooling 16, no. 2 (2016), 43.
[v] All respondent quotes in this article are anonymized to protect the identity of the respondent.
[vi] Stedman, “Beanbags and Biryani,” 43.
[vii] Stedman, “Beanbags and Biryani,” 44.
[viii] Stedman, “Beanbags and Biryani,” 29.
Corinne (Fraley) Kelley ([email protected]) grew up in multiple Asian countries from 2006-2020, eventually graduating from Dalat International School in Malaysia. She received her B. A. from William Carey University in English Education and Intercultural Studies in 2024. Currently, Corinne is working on her M.A. in Cross-Cultural Counseling at Southeastern Seminary. Corinne and her TCK husband are preparing to move to Southeast Asia to serve as teachers in an international school.
Anthony Casey ([email protected]) is Director of the Intercultural Studies program at Grace College and Seminary. He has worked with refugees and other immigrants in the U.S. and overseas for fifteen years and conducted cultural and linguistic research on four continents. Dr. Casey is author of Peoples on the Move: Community Research for Ministry and Missions.
EMQ, Volume 61, Issue 4. Copyright © 2025 by Missio Nexus. All rights reserved. Not to be reproduced or copied in any form without written permission from Missio Nexus. Email: [email protected].
